Short Video Intro to Growth VS Grief

Recognizing False Hope

It would seem that these last few months have been an incredible opportunity to test my "theory" about choosing to grow instead of grieve.  I am here to tell you it works, every time.

September 1st marked the last day in the mortal life of my mother-in-law and while she had been sick she was still young and it was not expected by the family.   With her departure I realized that the last truly maternal authority had passed from my life.  The pain of that loss was deepened as I heard from those close to her how much she had come to both love and respect me.  What's more, she had done so without ever pretending to always like my choices.   She was one of those incredibly rare people who knew how to love honestly.  Once I got over the shock of that, and was able to wrap my brain around such a concept, I found myself free to love her back without pretense.  It was liberating.

As I passed through the experience of traveling to the funeral and returning a month later to pack the house, I clung consciously to the antidotes of growth.  Every time I realized I was falling into grief I chose to grow.  And I had thought I was doing so good.

Thankfully I continue to learn and grow.  As a HUGE fan of Oprah's Life Classes, I have been able to better understand some of the finer details I had been ignoring this last year.  Of course, each new truth we accept will inherently have its own road for us to travel, its just easy to forget and fall into old habits.

I will explain.

2 years ago, a person, or rather a group of people, showed me who they really are.  This was after a lifetime of me denying that truth and experiencing a constant state of grief because of that denial.   In short, it was a very unhealthy relationship(s) that showed no sign of changing.  2 years ago, things came to a head and the relationship was clearly in its final hours.  I begged them to not let it die, to care about it as much as I did.  2 years ago, to the month, a 29 year relationship died.

For the most part I was finally at peace.  I treated it as a death. I applied all of the principals of choosing to grow instead of grief and I moved on with my life.  It was liberating and I was so grateful for what I had learned and the knowledge that I the principals of growth work.

Only problem was, over time there were sporadic incidents in which I was invited to just forget what had happened, (forget the lesson, forget what I am worth) and return to "the way things were".  I heavy temptation when you have 29 years of history with a group of people.  And who wouldn't want to buy back into a lie that was so familiar?  Since April it has been all I can do to fight back the little creeping thoughts, the "what if's" and "just maybe's" that come from a hope based upbringing.   Until I was reminded of the lesson that saved my life:  When someone shows you who they are, believe them.  When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

It was the first antidote: Truth

The truth is that there are fewer tools so adept and causing misery than false hope.  You see, I can hope that someone will live their best life and become their best self, but when I "hope" for someone to fulfill my template for them, I am wishing for a lie to become the truth.  I am choosing to exist in a state of grief, denial and all of the darkness that comes with it.  I would be choosing a life built on lies.

They say "the truth will set you free".   But you have to ask yourself, do you want to be free?  I know I didn't.  I knew how much the truth was going to hurt and I couldn't see my life after that. Every road comes with a price.  Are you willing to pay it?  What if to be "free" means to strike out on your own because you are alone?

The funny thing is, with the lie, you weren't any more "alone" than you are with the truth. You just chose to be blind to it.

The truth is that people reveal themselves to us through their actions.   I can not have even one relationship based on lies and call myself honest, no matter how much I've wanted those lies to become truth.  When I forget the truth, I grieve for the way I felt the past/future should be.  When I lie to myself and call those desires "hope" I am not offering forgiveness, I am compounding my original lie.  I will have created a vain, false hope and eventually it will become the foundation of more lies until I loose myself to what can only be called delusions.

The TRUTH HURTS but the truth is, LIES ALWAYS HURT MORE, especially when they're ones we create for ourselves.   The difference is, the pain of truth fades as we move through the change because we are longer the same person who was wounded.  The pain that comes from lies/denial has no end, no relief, no place you can hide from it, no escape because we are its creator.

Nature doesn't lie.

When Change Is Good...

POSATIVE  GROWTH

Truth  

Marriage – New Baby – Big New Home – Promotion

Changes/Uncertainty

Releasing the old –Embracing the New

Learning/Trial & Error

Adjusting to the new way things are

Contentment

Blissful enjoyment of the new way

Strength

Ambition to add more experience to your understanding

Important Questions & Answers

Do you know what the truth is? 


I am talking about the truth before your ego catches it, wrestles it to the ground and smothers it with judgments. what we call grief is the product of those judgments. Set the truth free and grief can not hold you.




When was the last time someone reassured you that when something hurts you it is natural and okay to feel pain? 


Pain is your body's way of communicating its struggle with change. It comes to pass. When you resist it you trap it and it festers. instead, embrace the pain - keep breathing - listen, let it say what must be said and it will pass.




Do you secretly feel like recovering from a life changing event means it never happened?  


That is not recovering that is forgetting and the difference can be self crippling.   Recovering only happens with full respect to what has changed.  It honors what was, the sacrifices that were made and aids in the growing process. Recovering is as unique as the person and the reason. Let it be whatever it needs to be.




Can't find peace and think something is wrong with you? 


Peace is to often associated with religious beliefs and allows us to dismiss or devalue the gift of stillness.  Stillness is the absence of stimulus, it is sleep that refreshes, food that finally has flavor, silence that is welcomed and companionship that comforts.  Honor your still times.




Can you be a better person from a tragic change in your life? 


Too often we undervalue our experiences, ourselves and the strength that was meant for us to gain from an experience turns inward.  Inside it becomes our own "Judas" and the strength that was intended for our own use turns on us and destroys us from the inside. Properly honored this power is the fuel that reforges us into our most powerful, whole self.  

When you choose to grow, what does it look like?

GROWTH

Truth - This is the way things were, this is how they are now and this is how they are about to change

Pain-It hurts, I feel like I am being torn apart, I don't know how to live with this, Its hard to focus, or breath, Etc.

Recovery-I am ready to try little thing with the understanding that it may be painful

Stillness-Things have changed, I have changed, I am not strong yet but I am ok

Strength-I have survived the worst thing I could imagine, what is anything else compared to that?

Future Children's Book? We'll See...

Once upon a time there was a beautiful little girl

She had a mommy and a daddy that she loved very much

She was happy because this was the family she had chosen in heaven

In time she had two wonderful sisters join her family

But after a while the little girl saw that something was very wrong

Her mommy and daddy were always mad at each other

The said mean things to each other and made the little girl afraid

She was always very sad when she heard them like this and tried to make it better

But her mommy and daddy were so mad at each other that they did not hear or see her cry

One day, while daddy was at work, mommy packed all of their clothes in suitcases

The little girl thought they were leaving on a trip when daddy got home

Instead mommy put them in the car an took them to grandma’s

It was always fun to be at grandma’s house

But where was daddy?

The little girl did not understand why daddy had not come with them

Mommy said it was because daddy didn’t love them anymore

This made the little girl cry a lot

She loved her daddy. She had picked him to be her daddy.

The little girl knew that her mommy and daddy had not been happy for a while

She thought it was like when she argued with her sisters

They got really mad at each other but then made up and were friends again

There were lots of distractions at grandma’s house but the little girl could not forget her daddy

After what seemed like forever her daddy finally came to see them but he couldn’t stay

Her daddy tried to visit often but every time he left the little girl was sad again

She wanted her family to be together again so badly it made her heart hurt

Many months passed at grandma’s house

Now when she visited her daddy there was a strange new woman with him

And at grandma’s her mommy was always on the phone or out with this strange new man

The little girl was always nice to the strangers since they made her mommy and daddy seem happier

But then when she was alone with her mommy and asked when they were going to live with daddy again a bad thing happened

Her mommy started to say terrible things about her daddy and to convince the little girl that her daddy was mean

The next time she was with her daddy she told him that she missed him and didn’t think he was mean

When her daddy asked what she was talking about she told him what her mommy had said and how she knew it was wrong

Her daddy became very angry and then he started to tell the little girl what a terrible person her mommy was

Now the little girl was even more sad

She spent a lot of time alone with her dollies, trying to tell them how afraid she was

They were her best friends in the whole world because they never went anywhere

Every night the little girl prayed that god would talk to her mommy and daddy

She wanted god to make them say sorry and be nice to each other again

But he didn’t

The little girl watched with sad tears as her mommy married the new stranger

Her daddy married the quiet woman too

The little girl felt torn in half

She did her best to be part of two families

But each family was so angry with the other that mostly she just felt invisible

So she stood back and watched, desperately trying to understand the feelings of everyone around her

She wouldn’t take sides and after a while her mommy taught her sisters to be mean to her too

The little girl was truly alone

So she made herself a promise

Someday, when she was big, she would have her own family

And they would love and accept each other the way her first family was supposed to

That way, when she had her own little girls and boys, they would never have to be afraid or sad or alone again

And then she would live happily ever after

The End

Classes Starting NOW!!! TELL EVERYONE!!!

Honoring what was by Learning to Grown Instead of Grieve

This is Your Ticket Out if you've faced:

Death of a loved one

End of a relationship

End of a Career

Loss of physical ability

Serious financial loss 

Massive Life Changes

Last Saturday of the Month

April 30^th

May 28^th, June25th, July 30^th…

At the Good Earth in East Bay

10 am –Noon  OR  2pm-4pm

Come to learn for yourself or for  a friend or family member.

$30 Per Person - In advance*

$40 Per Person - At the door*

Bring a friend!

*$10 Off Each Ticket for groups of 2 or more!!!

(Thats as low as $20 per person when multiple tickets are ordered in advance)

Email the Name for each ticket you are ordering to changegrief@gmail.com

Reserve Your Tickets NOW!

10 Years to the day...

I am mostly amazed by the things that time has no hold on.  I never know how to feel on this day.  Sometimes it is decided for me but this is not one of those years. It's always crazy to realize how long its been since I last held him. With all of these thoughts floating through my head I can't escape a portion of guilt at wishing I felt like I had moved on more, done more of the things that feel like moving on. But I have gone from the child I wasn't ready for to being ready for children that don't seem to be coming.  I find myself trying to plan out 2 lives, one where children come and one where they don't. I have mixed emotions about both but generally the idea of life without children seems half lived.

I can't be sure of what is mine to decide anymore.  Strangely, for today I am at peace about it. Tomorrow...who knows?

The boy who made me "Mom"

   In October of 2000 I was officially changed into a mom.  8 months had not been enough time to get used to the idea that there was a little boy who wanted me before anyone else.  It still took a while to sink in but day after day of that kind of love built up my confidence.  It was a feeling so strong that, until that time in my life, I had no experience with.  

   In one of the darkest times of my life it was a beacon that guided me. I will always be grateful for his love of and trust in me.  After all, if he saw that in me, how long was it going to take me to see it in myself?

   This is a place where you are invited to share a first moment where that "lost" someone changed you for the better from that point on. We want to remember with you and honor the important change they left us to remember them by...

The Dr. said it best:

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
by the incomparable Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!

Today is your day.

You’re off to Great Places!

You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!

You’ll be seeing great sights!

You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.

Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!

Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?

Yes! You will, indeed!

(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!

So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!

Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting.

So…get on your way!

My favorite new word!

Re-purposing

Genius, simple and to the point this unique little word is modern speak for the old saying "one man's trash is another man's treasure".   It leads one to reconsider the boxes we place people and experiences in and see them in a new light.