Recognizing False Hope

It would seem that these last few months have been an incredible opportunity to test my "theory" about choosing to grow instead of grieve.  I am here to tell you it works, every time.

September 1st marked the last day in the mortal life of my mother-in-law and while she had been sick she was still young and it was not expected by the family.   With her departure I realized that the last truly maternal authority had passed from my life.  The pain of that loss was deepened as I heard from those close to her how much she had come to both love and respect me.  What's more, she had done so without ever pretending to always like my choices.   She was one of those incredibly rare people who knew how to love honestly.  Once I got over the shock of that, and was able to wrap my brain around such a concept, I found myself free to love her back without pretense.  It was liberating.

As I passed through the experience of traveling to the funeral and returning a month later to pack the house, I clung consciously to the antidotes of growth.  Every time I realized I was falling into grief I chose to grow.  And I had thought I was doing so good.

Thankfully I continue to learn and grow.  As a HUGE fan of Oprah's Life Classes, I have been able to better understand some of the finer details I had been ignoring this last year.  Of course, each new truth we accept will inherently have its own road for us to travel, its just easy to forget and fall into old habits.

I will explain.

2 years ago, a person, or rather a group of people, showed me who they really are.  This was after a lifetime of me denying that truth and experiencing a constant state of grief because of that denial.   In short, it was a very unhealthy relationship(s) that showed no sign of changing.  2 years ago, things came to a head and the relationship was clearly in its final hours.  I begged them to not let it die, to care about it as much as I did.  2 years ago, to the month, a 29 year relationship died.

For the most part I was finally at peace.  I treated it as a death. I applied all of the principals of choosing to grow instead of grief and I moved on with my life.  It was liberating and I was so grateful for what I had learned and the knowledge that I the principals of growth work.

Only problem was, over time there were sporadic incidents in which I was invited to just forget what had happened, (forget the lesson, forget what I am worth) and return to "the way things were".  I heavy temptation when you have 29 years of history with a group of people.  And who wouldn't want to buy back into a lie that was so familiar?  Since April it has been all I can do to fight back the little creeping thoughts, the "what if's" and "just maybe's" that come from a hope based upbringing.   Until I was reminded of the lesson that saved my life:  When someone shows you who they are, believe them.  When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

It was the first antidote: Truth

The truth is that there are fewer tools so adept and causing misery than false hope.  You see, I can hope that someone will live their best life and become their best self, but when I "hope" for someone to fulfill my template for them, I am wishing for a lie to become the truth.  I am choosing to exist in a state of grief, denial and all of the darkness that comes with it.  I would be choosing a life built on lies.

They say "the truth will set you free".   But you have to ask yourself, do you want to be free?  I know I didn't.  I knew how much the truth was going to hurt and I couldn't see my life after that. Every road comes with a price.  Are you willing to pay it?  What if to be "free" means to strike out on your own because you are alone?

The funny thing is, with the lie, you weren't any more "alone" than you are with the truth. You just chose to be blind to it.

The truth is that people reveal themselves to us through their actions.   I can not have even one relationship based on lies and call myself honest, no matter how much I've wanted those lies to become truth.  When I forget the truth, I grieve for the way I felt the past/future should be.  When I lie to myself and call those desires "hope" I am not offering forgiveness, I am compounding my original lie.  I will have created a vain, false hope and eventually it will become the foundation of more lies until I loose myself to what can only be called delusions.

The TRUTH HURTS but the truth is, LIES ALWAYS HURT MORE, especially when they're ones we create for ourselves.   The difference is, the pain of truth fades as we move through the change because we are longer the same person who was wounded.  The pain that comes from lies/denial has no end, no relief, no place you can hide from it, no escape because we are its creator.

Nature doesn't lie.