I am mostly amazed by the things that time has no hold on. I never know how to feel on this day. Sometimes it is decided for me but this is not one of those years. It's always crazy to realize how long its been since I last held him. With all of these thoughts floating through my head I can't escape a portion of guilt at wishing I felt like I had moved on more, done more of the things that feel like moving on. But I have gone from the child I wasn't ready for to being ready for children that don't seem to be coming. I find myself trying to plan out 2 lives, one where children come and one where they don't. I have mixed emotions about both but generally the idea of life without children seems half lived.
I can't be sure of what is mine to decide anymore. Strangely, for today I am at peace about it. Tomorrow...who knows?
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